Weight advice from a skinny chick

Something I didn’t talk about when I posted about Jaxson’s evaluation was what the doctors had said about his weight.

Because I knew if I talked about it, I would have gotten upset and I wanted to be able to devote enough time to really write about it as I could.

After they asked about his learning, understanding, words, sensory, they asked about his eating habits.
And I’m sure that they look at him, chubby and look at me, Very Much overweight, and think that it’s obviously just me not having a healthy lifestyle.

“How’s his eating?”
*juggling Jaxson while trying to answer questions*

“It’s bad”

“Oh, he eats a lot?”

“No.” I said it like I had a bad taste in my mouth.

“He doesn’t eat a lot really, but his food preferences are very limited.”
I explained…

She responded,
“Because his height and weight is as high as it can go on the chart” > Looking disapprovingly.

“I know, but he’s also going to be 6’8’’… we don’t really go by charts that were made for people who were probably only going to get up to 6 foot. He’s going to grow differently.”

“Yes, but whether or not he’s going to be 6’8’’, he’s still a very big kid.”

That’s when I got upset.
There are two versions of me when I get upset… well, there’s starting to be a third now that I’ve been learning to help control my emotions and let go of issues…

But really… there are two.
There’s me telling you off in your face (that one was more me in my teenage years).

And there’s me crying.
Because it’s overwhelming… and It’s hard for me to express everything I want to say, and it’s hard to defend myself when I can’t remember everything or when I feel like I’m being personally attacked or someone I love is being attacked.  <–also when I have put myself in someone else’s shoes and feel they’re being attacked. Lol I cry a lot… which is why I guard myself and only allow people around me to be people who won’t hurt me or make me cry. I’m very selective of my friends. Which is why I have so very few.

So right then, I felt like my parenting choices and my child’s weight was being attacked.
Without asking me if I’d been to a GI or Nutritionist (which I have) or if I have gotten tests done (which I have) or WHY his diet is so limited… Or if I’ve tried feeding therapy (which I have) or tried tackling his sensory issues around his food issues (which I have)… she starts telling me that I need to watch his weight because essentially, he’s fat and he shouldn’t be.

So I started crying.
“I’m trying the best I can! He’s constantly moving. I keep him as active as I can and feed him as healthy as his diet allows me to!”

“I’m sorry! It’s just we get parents in here with big kids and they can’t control them, and I don’t want to see that wi…”

“My kids listen to me! I’m very strict and even if they don’t understand why I’m telling them to do something, they do it because they know they need to listen to me!”

“I’m just worried that he’s going to get stuck in this rut and not want to eat anything besides what he’s eating now. It’s a lot harder for them to expand their food preferences the older they get.”

>>
I calmed back down… we talked… and I went back to my nodding and smiling and playing along.
Because I HATE crying.
And I finally got back to the state I was able to keep control of my emotions again.

It just makes me SO angry when people look at me… then look at my kids… and assume we have a very unhealthy lifestyle because of our weight.
Despite having a negative perception of myself, I ALWAYS preach “as long as we’re active, and eating healthy, then our weight shouldn’t matter”.
It shouldn’t matter especially to anyone besides ourselves.

I’ve got medical reasons why I’m as heavy as I am… but that doesn’t mean I don’t walk a mile every day, plus exercise and try to eat as well as I can.

Oh, and I’m on the spectrum with food issues… my eating habits have actually improved since I was a kid so, maybe you shouldn’t generalize about something when everyone on the spectrum and everyone with SPD are different. I’m not a first-time mom let alone a first time Autism mom… I know better.

My heavier set two, are the ones who are constantly moving and walking around. I almost never see Justin sitting.
Tyler, the skinny one, who no one EVER gives me any crap about, is actually the least active and his eating is even worse than the other two. But because he “looks” healthy, no one cares… and I catch all kinds of crap about Justin and Jax because they’re fat.

You can be skinny and unhealthy.
You can be fat but healthy.

“You cannot be healthy and weigh that much.”
That’s funny because my blood sugar, blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol… hint otherwise.

Do I want to be fat? No.
Do I want my kids to be fat? No.

But I grew up in a “it’s okay, we’ll diet” type of environment.
Diets aren’t great for long term.
It’s also given me a horrible self image.
I hate the way I look.
Even when everything else is going good… I can look at myself and fall back into depression.
“Then why don’t you do something about it?”

I am.
Every day, I’m doing something about it.
Change doesn’t happen overnight.

And believe it or not, having other people tell me I’m fat won’t hurry that process along any. If anything, it makes it harder for me to lose weight because I get upset and sad. Kind of hard to work on yourself when you’re depressed.

And I’m DONE trying to lose weight quickly so I can finally love myself.
Because when I was at my thinnest, I hated myself then too.
I’m trying to love myself despite my weight.

I’ve learned that what you look like shouldn’t matter.
Your health is what matters.
Being active.
Eating as healthy as you can with whatever your issues with food are.
Drinking water…

Slow, steady, continuous progress is what’s going to give me a healthy life.
Not diets or (diet)pills or self loathing.

And you know what else?
I’m going to pound that in my childrens heads…
I’m going to fight and cry through every. freaking. appointment we have that they tell me that my kids are fat and need to lose weight.
Fight for them to understand that they are amazing the way they are… that as long as they’re doing the best they can, that’s all that FREAKING matters.

Because I don’t EVER want them to feel the way I do every time I look at myself in the mirror.

#FuckYourBeautyStandards