I HATE that phrase…

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Can I just get all of the boys doctors all in one room and everyone can tell me how to raise and feed my kids all at one time?
Being told over and over and over from different people who don’t actually KNOW my kids is getting EXTREMELY overwhelming… and annoying.

*sigh*
So, I blew up on one of the doctors at the Pediatrician’s office we go to today. They have many Doctors/Nurse Practitioners there… and he wasn’t the one we normally see, but was the one whom they set us up with to do his Health and Physical to be cleared for his Sedation Hearing test in two days.

I didn’t mean to.
I didn’t want to.
I tried to hold it in as much as I possibly could… but as soon as he said that phrase… I just couldn’t hold it in any more.

So he walks in.
Says hi… starts typing.
“And what are we seeing you guys for today?”

I explained.
He finished typing, grabbed some gloves and walked over to Jax.
He starts listening to his chest and the first thing he says… before asking me questions about how he eats or how often… he asks if he has been tested for >>whatever<<… I said no, I don’t know what that is.

“It’s >blah blah blah< when they can’t stop eating. They just eat and eat and eat.”

I was like… seriously?!
“He doesn’t eat a lot… or every often”
“Huh”
*keeps examining*
He asks me very vague questions about his eating… I explain he really only snacks.. Mostly crunchy carbs… cereal and veggie straws.

And again… without asking me why… without asking me what I’ve tried… without asking me if he has any actual issues with anything… he starts telling me about this little girl…

Who was “quite big” and only two.
And I’m just staring at him… NOT smiling… because I was pissed.
This was NOT why I was here… and I JUST got to listen to all this crap two weeks ago at his Eval.

He’s going on and on about eating… and all I can think was, Jax has been barely holding it together by this point. He just wants to leave…
Then he started explaining how you start with meat, and once they eat that THEN they get fruit… then they get juice or a cereal…. And you do that all day… and that little girl didn’t eat the whole day… (In my head I’m telling myself… stay calm… stay calm…. Don’t freak out. You’re almost out of here… just keep nodding).

Then he smiled at me… like he was trying to reassure me… and said “They’ll eat when they’re hungry. Don’t worry. He won’t starve!”

That phrase… THAT FREAKING PHRASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sure… some kids WILL eat if you hold out… they’ve been shown from an early age that they don’t “have” to eat what they don’t want to.

But for kids like mine… who will literally starve before eating something that they just can’t stand… it’s not going to happen. It doesn’t mean I don’t try and offer new foods… but forcing them… doing the whole “you’ll eat when you’re hungry” makes it worse… and makes them have an even worse attitude towards food. And it’s down right dangerous to offer that advice when you don’t know the kid. AT. FREAKING. ALL!!!

I couldn’t… I lasted as long as I could, and I blew up… I cried…

“I’ve tried that! I’ve got three Autistic kids with food aversions and sensory issues and I’ve tried that! It doesn’t work. What I’ve been doing has been working… when I tried that… it made it worse! I’m tired of getting crapped on about his weight every time I go to a doctor’s appointment!!”

Totally shocked… he back peddles “I’m not being harsh… I’m just trying to ask questions and find out… I don’t know anything about you guys… I’m just telling you what’s worked… trying to help.”

I wanted to yell: But you’re NOT asking… you’re TELLING!!!!

“I can’t feed him anything different until I know what’s wrong with him. He’s had issues since birth!! I’m trying my best!”

I explained more… Explained the tests we’ve done. Explained how I think he might have Celiac… that he gets severe diarrhea… that he screams when I give him different foods.

He stopped talking… finished the eval…
Jax and I both calmed down.

Then he starts telling me to not worry… that kids like this get better.
That kids on the spectrum just need positive parenting… and goes on about how to parent a child like him.

I internally rolled my eyes so hard.
FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?! Is this the visit from hell????
NOW… NOW we’re not only telling me how to feed my child… you’re telling me how to raise him… without asking me how I do it…
UGHHHH

“I’ve got two other, older Autistic kids… I know what I’m doing.”
“You have two other Autistic kids? That’s uncommon.”

(soooooooooo you weren’t actually listening to me when I was upset… when I said I had three Autistic kids… do you think I was just kidding?!)

He finally left…
And I bawled my eyes out…
It’s been an hour and I’m still freaking crying over this crap.

I obsess…
I worry…
I stress…
I FREAK THE CRAP OUT about making sure I’m being the best possible parent for my kids… in all aspects. Teaching them, loving them, caring for them, disciplining them, feeding them, therapy, exercise….

And some guy… who hasn’t seen my son in 2 ½ years (he saw him at 2 weeks old), and for maybe 5 minutes, is giving me parenting advice.

I criticize myself enough on my own… I don’t need anyone else to do it for me.

Everyone is telling me what I need to do.
School tells me to work on this… therapists tell me to work on the areas they’re focused on… doctors tell me to focus on feeding and exercise…

What you all want me to do… and expect of me… is all “advice”…
I’m the parent!!!
I get to FREAKING choose for my children what is most important right now.
Plus…
I’ve got THREE Autistic kids who all have therapists and doctors telling me what they all need me to be focusing on…
There’s only one me… and I’m doing the best I can.

Especially considering I’ve got my own mental and physical health I’m trying to deal with.

*sigh*

I just needed to vent this out or I’d end up crying about it all day.
I planned on coming back to our page soon… but with all these doctors apts where I’m being beaten down… I don’t know when I’ll ever be mentally ready to come back… These migraines are killing me.

Anyway…  
I Love and appreciate you guys. ❤

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Weight advice from a skinny chick

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Something I didn’t talk about when I posted about Jaxson’s evaluation was what the doctors had said about his weight.

Because I knew if I talked about it, I would have gotten upset and I wanted to be able to devote enough time to really write about it as I could.

After they asked about his learning, understanding, words, sensory, they asked about his eating habits.
And I’m sure that they look at him, chubby and look at me, Very Much overweight, and think that it’s obviously just me not having a healthy lifestyle.

“How’s his eating?”
*juggling Jaxson while trying to answer questions*

“It’s bad”

“Oh, he eats a lot?”

“No.” I said it like I had a bad taste in my mouth.

“He doesn’t eat a lot really, but his food preferences are very limited.”
I explained…

She responded,
“Because his height and weight is as high as it can go on the chart” > Looking disapprovingly.

“I know, but he’s also going to be 6’8’’… we don’t really go by charts that were made for people who were probably only going to get up to 6 foot. He’s going to grow differently.”

“Yes, but whether or not he’s going to be 6’8’’, he’s still a very big kid.”

That’s when I got upset.
There are two versions of me when I get upset… well, there’s starting to be a third now that I’ve been learning to help control my emotions and let go of issues…

But really… there are two.
There’s me telling you off in your face (that one was more me in my teenage years).

And there’s me crying.
Because it’s overwhelming… and It’s hard for me to express everything I want to say, and it’s hard to defend myself when I can’t remember everything or when I feel like I’m being personally attacked or someone I love is being attacked.  <–also when I have put myself in someone else’s shoes and feel they’re being attacked. Lol I cry a lot… which is why I guard myself and only allow people around me to be people who won’t hurt me or make me cry. I’m very selective of my friends. Which is why I have so very few.

So right then, I felt like my parenting choices and my child’s weight was being attacked.
Without asking me if I’d been to a GI or Nutritionist (which I have) or if I have gotten tests done (which I have) or WHY his diet is so limited… Or if I’ve tried feeding therapy (which I have) or tried tackling his sensory issues around his food issues (which I have)… she starts telling me that I need to watch his weight because essentially, he’s fat and he shouldn’t be.

So I started crying.
“I’m trying the best I can! He’s constantly moving. I keep him as active as I can and feed him as healthy as his diet allows me to!”

“I’m sorry! It’s just we get parents in here with big kids and they can’t control them, and I don’t want to see that wi…”

“My kids listen to me! I’m very strict and even if they don’t understand why I’m telling them to do something, they do it because they know they need to listen to me!”

“I’m just worried that he’s going to get stuck in this rut and not want to eat anything besides what he’s eating now. It’s a lot harder for them to expand their food preferences the older they get.”

>>
I calmed back down… we talked… and I went back to my nodding and smiling and playing along.
Because I HATE crying.
And I finally got back to the state I was able to keep control of my emotions again.

It just makes me SO angry when people look at me… then look at my kids… and assume we have a very unhealthy lifestyle because of our weight.
Despite having a negative perception of myself, I ALWAYS preach “as long as we’re active, and eating healthy, then our weight shouldn’t matter”.
It shouldn’t matter especially to anyone besides ourselves.

I’ve got medical reasons why I’m as heavy as I am… but that doesn’t mean I don’t walk a mile every day, plus exercise and try to eat as well as I can.

Oh, and I’m on the spectrum with food issues… my eating habits have actually improved since I was a kid so, maybe you shouldn’t generalize about something when everyone on the spectrum and everyone with SPD are different. I’m not a first-time mom let alone a first time Autism mom… I know better.

My heavier set two, are the ones who are constantly moving and walking around. I almost never see Justin sitting.
Tyler, the skinny one, who no one EVER gives me any crap about, is actually the least active and his eating is even worse than the other two. But because he “looks” healthy, no one cares… and I catch all kinds of crap about Justin and Jax because they’re fat.

You can be skinny and unhealthy.
You can be fat but healthy.

“You cannot be healthy and weigh that much.”
That’s funny because my blood sugar, blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol… hint otherwise.

Do I want to be fat? No.
Do I want my kids to be fat? No.

But I grew up in a “it’s okay, we’ll diet” type of environment.
Diets aren’t great for long term.
It’s also given me a horrible self image.
I hate the way I look.
Even when everything else is going good… I can look at myself and fall back into depression.
“Then why don’t you do something about it?”

I am.
Every day, I’m doing something about it.
Change doesn’t happen overnight.

And believe it or not, having other people tell me I’m fat won’t hurry that process along any. If anything, it makes it harder for me to lose weight because I get upset and sad. Kind of hard to work on yourself when you’re depressed.

And I’m DONE trying to lose weight quickly so I can finally love myself.
Because when I was at my thinnest, I hated myself then too.
I’m trying to love myself despite my weight.

I’ve learned that what you look like shouldn’t matter.
Your health is what matters.
Being active.
Eating as healthy as you can with whatever your issues with food are.
Drinking water…

Slow, steady, continuous progress is what’s going to give me a healthy life.
Not diets or (diet)pills or self loathing.

And you know what else?
I’m going to pound that in my childrens heads…
I’m going to fight and cry through every. freaking. appointment we have that they tell me that my kids are fat and need to lose weight.
Fight for them to understand that they are amazing the way they are… that as long as they’re doing the best they can, that’s all that FREAKING matters.

Because I don’t EVER want them to feel the way I do every time I look at myself in the mirror.

#FuckYourBeautyStandards

Young Living Essential Oil Review

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I “met” an amazing woman online through the nutritionist we’re seeing for Jaxson. She’s been talking to me about her journey with Autism and how much her son has benefited from using these oils. At first I’m thinking, well.. that’s awesome that they worked for you… but come on… really? They’re just smelly things. How much can they REALLY help you. I was a skeptic for sure!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for trying new things to help with my kids! But these oils were just so foreign to me. I’ve heard of them before… I’ve thought about trying them… but I mean… how do you even use them?! Do you drink it? Is it like lotion you rub on your hands… I don’t know, it seemed a little weird to me.

So I was obviously happy for her and her family, and maybe someday I’ll have time to learn more about them.

Then one night, Jax and I had one of the worst nights we’ve had in a long while, when she sent me a message. NO strings attached, she just wanted to help a Mom in need and asked if she could send me something to help with sleep and something to help with my anxiety. I agreed and she sent me a “bedtime” mixture and one called Valor.

The Bedtime mixture didn’t really seem to help with Jaxson, but I… no joke… have been able to decrease the amount of melatonin I give Tyler and most nights don’t even give any to Justin. I just put this oil on the bottom of his feet and rub it in when I lay the boys down in their beds with their tablets. About half an hour before I want them to actually go to sleep. Both of the kids who HATE (with a PASSION) me cutting their toe nails giggle while I rub it into the bottom of their feet. 🙂 They’ll see me walk in their room with the little bottle and start grinning because they know what’s coming.

The first night that they did well with it, I’m like… no way. This is sooo not happening. lol Really? This stuff is actually working? But it did, and it still continues to work. My friend thinks Jax would probably benefit from just Lavander (rather than the mixture), so we’ll probably try that eventually. 🙂

I’ve been using the Valor.
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To help with anxiety and stress… and later found out it also helps with my migraines, TMJ and will also help calm the boys. I use it when I’m overwhelmed, it’s like I can finally take a deep breath and the tension I had in my shoulders melt a bit. It’s crazy. I was in SERIOUS pain because of my jaw, I rubbed a drop behind my jaw/ears area and a few minutes later, I’m not in pain any more. Where I would have to wait for 30-45 minutes for the Tylenol and Naproxen to kick in! Again, I’m just like…. how did that even work?! lol I don’t get this stuff at all. It just makes no sense. It’s oils from plants/flowers/herbs, etc… and it’s fixing things. Totally mind blowing.


And I have SEVERE issues with oily or lotion-y things. I cannot stand it. But these “oils” absorb into your skin pretty quickly and then your skin is just soft. It doesn’t feel like there’s oil or lotion on your hands. (Thankfully… I might have gone crazy trying to use these things! lol)

I used Valor on Jaxson, my little busy body… (A little back story) As soon as he could roll over (about 3-4 months) he’s never wanted to sit with me any more. Not more than a minute or two… Unless I was feeding him a bottle, then when he could hold it himself, he REALLY wanted his own space.

So for at least the last year, Jax has only sat or laid with me (without interruption) for a few minutes max. And usually that was for however long I could get him to sit and play Patty Cakes with me.

I put the oil Valor on him… And about 5-10 minutes later he came over, crawled up on me and laid on me for a little over 15 minutes. I have not held Jax for that long, at one time, in over a year.

That alone has made me thankful for this product.


Then she asks me about some of my other issues. Like my thyroid issues, brain fog… and since Valor alone didn’t seem to help Tyler as well in school as we hoped, she said there was something she could send to help. I’m not great at letting people help me. Honestly, I prefer to be the one helping others. But I justificated that at least it’ll be a learning experience I’ll be able to share with you so you’ll know if these will help you or your family.

Again, just sending them because she’s a Special Needs Mom who gets it and wants to pay it forward. And man… am I thankful she did.

She sent me Clarity (for brain fog), Endo-Flex to help with my Hypothyroidism and Vetiver to help with Tyler. Again… totally skeptical. lol I’m like… yea… okay, the others worked, but they can’t ALL work.

I used the Clarity, Endo-Flex and Valor first thing in the morning  around my face/neck areas. And WHOAH! lol That was way too much… totally overwhelming. lol But after I started putting them in different spots on my body (that work just as well), it doesn’t bother me to use all three at the same time.

Clarity.
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It kind of wakes me up. It’s not AS effective as caffeine (maybe because I need to take so much), but the fact that it doesn’t have any and it helps wake me up, says a lot! Plus, I don’t get jittery if I end up taking too much. lol I was really surprised how awake and clear headed I feel when I use it.


Endo-Flex.
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I’ve been using every morning for a few days now… and I can TELL it’s working. When I’m on my thyroid meds, I get hungry. Because my metabolism is working. Being off my meds for over a year now, I completely forgot how that hungry feeling when my thyroid and metabolism is working… and after two days, I started having that hungry feeling again. It’s insane!!


And even after all those times that those oils have helped… I was still surprised when I used the Valor and Vetiver on Tyler.
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He was BOUNCING off the walls because he was bored. Singing the songs on his VERY loud tablet. Finally I gave him his head phones to help my migraine from getting worse… but HE was still loud. As a ditch effort I used the two oils together and about 5-10 minutes later… he just kind of sat down on the couch and was QUIET for 30-45 minutes… then he came out, asked for a drink, and went back in and hung out in his swing. :O WHAT?! I’m looking at him like… what just happened?!?! lol No freaking WAY did those just help him calm down. I didn’t get a chance to see how they work with him going to school, which is why we are -primarily- using them with Ty. To help with his meltdowns at school… to help keep him calm and focused throughout the day. But he’s been sick this week and hasn’t gone to school. So, I’m excited to see how well it helps with him there when he needs it most.


I get how this stuff works, but I really don’t. I just cannot grasp the concept of how these oils work, but I don’t need to REALLY understand something in order to know how much they’re helping out family. (I KIND OF know how a car works, what the parts do… but I don’t REALLY know… but that doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for having one that works lol)

I’m REALLY looking forward to buying some from her and finding new great ways to use them with my family and around the house. Justin has Type 1 Diabetes and theres an oil to help with that!! Or for the boys Dad. He was in a VERY bad car accident almost two years ago (he broke almost everything on his right side) and there are oils that will help him with his pain! 😀

I’m really super sensitive to smells… I don’t use candles and I don’t wear perfume, and I’m surprised how much these don’t bother me. If one does seem to bother me, I just make sure to use it in an area farther away from my face and wash my hands afterwards.

Justin, Tyler and Jax all have sensory issues and none of them seem bothered by the smells either. 🙂

If you’ve made it this far lol I’ve found some pictures online of some of the oils Young Living offers and what they help with to see if there might be an oil that could help you or your family. And hey… don’t knock it until you try it. 😉 (I know there are a lot of pictures, but I’m a more visual person, and I know I’m not the only one! lol) 😀

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