I just walked half a mile back from the park with Tyler kicking and screaming over my shoulder and pulling Justin who was pulling back and crying… in this weather (96℉).
I’m in more pain… And physically/emotionally exhausted… And all because of arrogance and Autism. I forget on occasion, that I do not have normal kids.
Berate me. Call me names. Tell me how horrible I am to say that about my kids. But if my kids didn’t have Autism… This wouldn’t have happened. At least not to this severity and at this age. Now… Before you start harassing me, finish reading please.
So… Let’s back up a bit.
I just laid Jax down for a nap and decided to take the kids for a walk. I wanted to start getting Tyler used to wearing his GizmoPal watch. I really don’t want him to be upset wearing it by the time he goes to school in a few weeks. He’ll have enough to get used to by then.
So I got everyone ready, I put on Tyler’s watch and we started walking. It worked perfectly!!! He tugged on it a few times, but I took his hand and he left it alone. He was focused on our walk.
We walk around our block twice.. We got to our first turn and Justin started getting upset. Feeling like I just won the lottery, I decided to go against my better judgement and follow him and see where he wanted to go so badly. Instead of the normal route. (Arrogance)
We made a few turns and ended up in front of a park. I knew I was screwed right then and there. I tried a few times to just keep walking… To go back home, they both wanted to go so badly… But ugh… It had been 20 minutes already, it’s hot… And it’ll be another 20 minutes home.
Finally I gave in… Thinking we’ll leave after a bit. Maybe once they play for a little, it’ll be easier to get them home.
That’s the lie I tell myself… Praying it actually turns out that way.
It never does.
There were kids playing basketball, but other than that, we were alone to play as we wished. They found the slides and the kids had a blast! We had been there for 30 minutes… Jax was still sleeping, but it was so hot and I was getting thirsty, so I knew they should be too.
I started prepping them.
They look at me like I’m crazy and keep playing…. I’m looking around… I realized the house is actually only a minute from where we are… But the gate is locked from the inside. -Figures.
A few minutes go by, and I tell them this time.
“All done. Let’s go.”
They start whining… Tyler throws himself to the ground. _lovely_
“Come on. Let’s go. All done.”
Justin’s getting more upset, won’t come down. Tyler throws himself at my feet and screams. Normally they get upset, but they listen to me.
Now the teens playing basketball are looking at us. Great.
I take their hands, “Come on. Let’s go. All done.” And they pull and tug and scream. There’s no way they are both going to walk home. Justin will throw a fit, but will at least walk if I pull him along.
So I pick Tyler up and throw him over my shoulder, grab Justin’s hand and start the half mile back to the house.
Tyler is kicking, screaming… Crying… Pushing off my back trying to get down. Hoping he’s trying to tell me he’d rather walk, I put him down, only to have him throw himself on the concrete. I pick him up again, but he starts thrashing around before I get him over my shoulder and I pull a muscle in my leg… We’ve barely made it out of the park. I grab Justin and I push forward.
A minute later a car actually stops just ahead of us with a woman staring back at me… Apparently I don’t look like someone trying to steal kids… Then drives away. In my head I scream “No I’m good thanks!” I bite my lip and push through… Pulling Justin, carrying Tyler.
It’s hot… Like sitting in a hot car, on a hot day with the hot air on full blast with the windows up, hot.
My shoulders are burning with pain from my fibromyalgia… It feels like someone is squeezing- digging in their finger nails as hard as they can into the muscles of my shoulders.
Tyler continues screaming and kicking, Justin is more crying because of Tyler than being upset. My leg is killing me by the time we’re about half way home. I try to set Ty down again to see if he’ll walk now. I’m barely able to catch my breath. He falls, kicking and crying. Neighbors are watching.
I take a deep breath, pick him up, grab Justin and keep walking.
I wanted to just stop… To cry. To give up. It seemed to take FOREVER to get back home. So much longer than it took to get there.
I just keep yelling at myself in my head.
“Stupid! You knew better! What did you think was going to happen? Always follow a routine. Even if they don’t like it. But I just wanted him to be happy…. I didn’t want to hear him scream the whole way home…. Well he’s screaming now ya dumb a**”
At this point, I couldn’t even be sure I was going the right way. I could be lost and might have to walk even farther to get home.
Almost in tears, i finally saw their dads car in the driveway and started running. All I could think was “Praise God I didn’t get lost, and we made it.”
I dumped the kids in the living room. Got their drinks, and turned on a movie… I grabbed a fan for me, a water and stripped down. I looked in the living room and Tyler is doing the same thing. Lol
There are days that being Autistic has no real effect on our lives. Mostly because we’ve made it easy for us to be ourselves… For them to live and play Happily and safely.
Then there are days where we get smacked upside the head with a reminder… To remember to not take the little things for granted. Like being able to take my little cousin to the park and it not end up with everyone screaming and crying… But not my kids.
And yes, I understand things like that happen with kids. “All kids do that.” But not almost 6 and 7 year olds. Toddlers… Little kids… Not kids their age.
And Yes, I am thankful I even was able to have kids, yes I’m thankful they can even walk to the park… I don’t need people to try to make me feel bad for complaining… I need people to just understand. For people to not stop in the middle of the road because I have a kid that looks like he’s 8 over my shoulder. I’m doing the best I can and you’re just making me never want to leave the house again.
Ironically… I would have been that woman, only I would have asked if the mom wanted a ride. And I HAVE done things like that before.
Me and my kids are not perfect, we’re not better, we’re not less. But there ARE things about our Autism that makes life harder.
Anyone who disagrees with that… Can keep scrolling.
On a side note… The walk DID work with Tyler being used to the GizmoPal watch. I think next time I’ll have to only take Tyler. He’s better with the route we take that doesn’t go by the park. I ruined walks for Justin for now.
… They really did love the park. Maybe I’ll leave the gate open, take the kids in the morning when it’s not so hot and actually bring a diaper bag. At least if I have to carry them home, it won’t be nearly as bad.