First Day Of School

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The boys first day of school is getting closer.

This is going to be the first time in 6-Ish years that I’ve only had one kid to take care of for most of the day (their baby brother).

The first time that I’m going to have a little free time in, I don’t know how long…

I’m not going to be a complete ball of strung out nerves most of the day, trying to take care and manage three very different personalities who all want my attention and never in the same way.

To say I’m excited is an understatement.

But… That also means that for 7+ hours a day, my older kids won’t have their translator by their side… They won’t have Me.

They won’t have the one person who understands them like no one else. Who knows exactly what they want (well at least 80% of the time.. but the rest is guessing and I’ve gotten good at it), and can understand their communication through gestures.

Because my kids are Nonverbal, Autistic. Their receptive and expressive language is practically nonexistent.

They have a language all of their own that I’ve taken years to study and understand, while I’m trying to teach them mine.

So to say that I’m apprehensive about sending my kids to public school, is also an understatement.

I have to trust that when they get upset or freak out, that someone has the patience to treat them with kindness and not just get angry with them.

Because it can be frustrating for them, when they’re trying to communicate a want or need and no one understands. So they might get angry and lash out. They’re not being bad, they’re frustrated.

I have to trust that the teachers and kids there are going to be nice and not hurt them in anyway… Because they can’t come home and tell me “Mommy, someone yelled at me today” or “grabbed my wrist really hard” Or “the kid pushed me down, no one saw… But they saw me push him back and i was the one who got in trouble”.

…they can’t tell their side of the story.

I’m not there to remind those taking care of them that if the boys don’t have a distraction to eat, they just won’t.

To remind them that Justin will wander away and Tyler will bolt if he feels anxious or finds something he NEEDS to see. Sometimes even me yelling for him to come back doesn’t work.

To remind them that they don’t understand how to play with other little kids… But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to.

Or that Ty’s very sensitive and can be upset easily, and getting upset with him because of he’s stressing out, will only make it worse.

I’m very excited to finally have even half a day that’s less chaotic. I’m sure my migraines will be getting better with less noise.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared and worried about my nonverbal kids who can’t speak up for themselves.

My “About Me” letters I’m sending in and talking to the teacher can only go so far and only do so much.

People don’t understand just how much trust I’m putting in someone else’s hands.

Teachers, I’m trusting you… With pieces of my heart.

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