I’m a Mom with kids who don’t understand the concept of Mother’s Day, let alone Birthdays, Christmas… or any other holiday. They can’t verbally tell me they love me, if I want a Mother’s Day gift, I have to make it with them myself, and sometimes thats even like pulling teeth.
This wasn’t what I thought it would be like to be a Mother.
I’ve always loved kids and I always knew I wanted to be a mother. When I thought about what kind of mom I would be… I always imagined crafts, baking, nature walks… being a tough but loving mom with kids who would pick me weeds and hand draw a card for me on my birthday or Mother’s Day; and that would be enough. That would fill my heart with such love… I would tuck them into bed, read them stories and sing them songs… they would whisper “good night mom, I love you.” and I would keep the door cracked open to ward off any scary monsters.
That was “the dream” for me. Sure, I wanted to travel the world before I had kids, I had a lot of plans for my future… but when I thought about kids… that’s the image I would have.
My life… isn’t… “quite” like that.
My kids can’t talk, and the one who is finally learning to script/mimic doesn’t say things that help him communicate his wants and needs. Really, they’re still toddlers in bigger kid bodies.
Tyler is starting to take interest in what I’m doing in the kitchen at 5 ½… Justin didn’t start taking an interest in coloring until last year (when he was 5 ½). Nature walks are a rehearsed route that we’ve walked hundreds of times, so that they know exactly what is expected of them and where they need to go for their safety. Since they don’t understand the concept of danger. We can’t stop to talk about the leaves or bugs we find on the way, because that’s not part of the routine (because it can change). Singing songs and reading books is nearly impossible. I still TRY to work it into their lives, but Justin will start screaming bloody murder and Tyler will run away if I pick the wrong song, or they just leave or take the book if I try to read to them.
I have to “lock” their door at night, or they will get out of their room and trash the house or hurt themselves by climbing or playing with things they shouldn’t (like knives).
My kids are 6 ½, 5 ½ and almost one… and they can’t talk to me. I talk to them, explaining what I’m doing and what we’re going to do, hoping that one day what I’m saying sinks in. But no one talks back to me. I’ve even ended up having conversations with myself and then telling myself I need to stop talking or I’ll end up going crazy. lol
There are a LOT of things I didn’t expect to come with Motherhood. Because I never really thought I’d have a special needs child. Don’t get me wrong, we always said that we will take whoever God gives us, and it didn’t matter what they had… but it’s one of those things, you never REALLY think about it unless you’ve gone through it before or someone in your immediate family/life is going through it.
But what I couldn’t even come close to imagining was loving someone this much. Just the thought of losing my kids makes my heart break. Like those few seconds to a minute when one of the boys used to go missing and I couldn’t find them in the store. Or the day Justin swam too far out into the ocean and it seemed forever until I could get to him. They may not be able to tell me they love me… but when I sit next to them, and they look up at me and smile, giggle and lay their head on me, tells me they do. No matter how frustrating my life can get, my kids are worth all of it. I cannot possibly put into words just how much I love my kids. They truly ARE my life!
I knew I would love my kids, and I knew I would try to be the best Mother I could be… but thinking about it and actually doing it… are way two completely different things. I know in my heart that I wouldn’t hesitate to die for my kids. I will fight with every fiber of my being to do what’s right by them. I love them more and more each day… and let me tell you, there’s NOTHING like holding your newborn baby.
They make me want to be a better person FOR them.
To be a better listener;
a better communicator…
a better advocate…
a better role model…
a better me and be okay with being me. Because I want them to be okay and happy with being themselves.
The best job I’ve EVER had and could ever possibly have… is being a Mom.