You are my Sunshine

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You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
You make me happy,
when skies are grey.
You never know dear,
how much I love you.
Please don’t take,
my sunshine away.

The other night dear,
while I lay sleeping.
I dreamt I held you,
in my arms.
But when I woke up,
i was mistaken.
So I hung my head,
and I cried.

Jax is 8 ½ months old. The second he was born, they wiped off his face, and wrapped him up and immediately laid him on my chest. I looked down at him and he picked his head up. Less than a minute old, and he can lift his head up off my chest. I knew he was going to be a strong little man.

From the moment he figured out he could roll, he never wanted to hold still. He’d rather be on the floor trying to roll and play with his toys. Which meant he never wanted to eat, he had more exciting things to do.

It holds true even now. Jax can sit up and and crawl… backwards. He can pull himself up in his crib, and is already trying to walk with furniture. He still needs help, but he’s very ambitious.

Before I get started (yes, this is probably going to be a decent sized post), I’d like to say, that I’ve already heard it all after my first two. But, I’m starting to get worried with Jax.

Justin and Tyler progressed normally for the most part with their milestones and then regressed. Jaxson, isn’t progressing like the other two did. I know, each kid is different. And I know that if a baby is working so hard on one area, they can be slow/behind in another. I’m hoping, the fact that Jax is trying SO hard to catch up to his brothers, he’s delayed verbally and that’s why he’s not babbling. He started to, but then we all got the Flu over Christmas break, and he just… stopped.

Sure, he makes coos and random sounds. But, he’s not actually babbling or trying to make words. He even started saying Mamamamamama around 2 months, but he barely does that every few days and only if he’s really upset.

I’m honestly not sure what’s harder. Knowing something is going to happen and waiting for it or not knowing something is going to happen and blaming yourself until you figure it out. Jaxson might end up being Autistic like his brothers. It won’t be the end of the world, but we see how much Justin and Tyler struggle… how hard it has been on ALL of us since they regressed 3-4 years ago. It’s been an uphill battle ever since (but they’re worth it).

Tonight, as I’m feeding Jax, I look him in the eyes. Which, I’m not supposed to. This kid gets so excited, so easily. If you’re feeding him, you can’t look at him or he thinks it’s time to play. NO JOKE! If you don’t look at him, he’ll eat the whole bottle in the middle of the night, no problem. But you look at him for a few seconds, he starts rolling around trying to play.

Anyway, I look at him… and he gets a big smile and start rolling. I settle him back in and start singing “You are my sunshine”. My Pappy used to sing it to me, so I sing it to the boys. He relaxes and watches me sing as he finishes eating. And it isn’t until tonight… that those words really hit home. And I just start crying when I sing “Please don’t take my sunshine away”. Even typing those words make me cry. Please, don’t get me wrong… I love my kids… and I would never in a million years trade them for an easier life. And I might lose some of you as you’re reading this. You might hate me. There are people out there who hate it when people say that Autism is a disability… but I don’t want Autism to take away my baby. I don’t want him to stop looking at me. I don’t want him to not talk to me… to not say “I love you”. To not want to play with other kids, to not want to read or learn or play with toys until years later… or have to be in diapers until at least after he’s 6. Who can’t eat more than 5-10 things. I don’t want him to get so upset and hurt so bad just because we’re going to a different store. I don’t want him to not be able to understand me… I don’t want to sit through endless nights of not knowing why he’s crying out in pain. Looking at me with tear filled eyes that are asking me “Mommy, why aren’t you helping me??”

No… Autism isn’t the end of the world. Yes, it makes my kids unique, special, interesting… it’s apart of them. But every day is a struggle for Justin and Tyler… and for my husband and I.
I love my kids. They are Autistic. But that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t hurt every single day.

Normally, my posts, blogs, memes… are all uplifting. Encouraging. Smiles… even through the hard times. But… some days. I just cry. I mourn. I write it out… usually I never post them. It’s just for me to get things off my chest. I wipe away my tears… take a deep breath, and keep going. Because I don’t have a choice. I can’t unpack here… my kids need me.

As I said… normally, I don’t post these types of blogs, but I have a feeling… I’m not the only one who feels like this and who needs to hear that they are NOT alone. ❤

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5 thoughts on “You are my Sunshine

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